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happy mothers day... [11 May 2008|09:25pm]
i miss you mom.. :[

this really, never gets easier. ever. i remember you being upset every year, cause of your mom passing when you were 12.... and i tried to be there for you. cheer you up, i never really understood why you got depressed every year, even 30 years later. now i know....
1 comment|post comment

i'm not ready for this again... [06 Jun 2007|09:17pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

tonight, i went to my aunt joans for a family meeting of sorts. for the past year, my grandpa has steadly gotten worse and worse through sickness and struggled. he ended up staying at my aunts, cause my dad and i couldn't watch over him enough with us both having full time jobs.

this is one of my ultimate fears, i remember the horror i felt when he first started feeling sick, and was in the hospital cause of kidney failure. his staying with my aunt had improved his health a lot, and he was doing very good for several months. but about 2 or more months ago, he started... sleeping all day, and being antsy all night. getting out of bed, walking to the living room, sitting there for maybe 5 minutes before he'd get right back up and go back to bed and repeat this all night. making it impossible for anyone else to sleep. with this new habit also came the beginning of alzheimers i believe. i notice him say things to me that makes no sense, him forgetting lots of things. he even asked my dad the other day if my mom could give him a ride someplace.... knowing well she passed away. yet he swore she hadn't.

it terrifies me, to know this is how it has to go for him.
the meeting. was about taking action and considering a nursing home because no one is capable of handling it anymore because of his illness getting worse. i HATE.. having to think about this. it tears me up, and i'm sure it does everyone else. but i've lived my entire life living nextdoor to this man, who fuckin spoiled the shit out of me. and now i can't do anything except watch his life slip away from him slowly. i just don't know what i can do to help, i mean, my opinion is we should put him in some place, in hopes that he will be well taken care of... but the assurance that will happen isn't 100%. not every nursing home is full of top notch people who are extremely nice, some of those places are very mean and i don't want to even imagine someone being mean to him. he was so nice... to everyone.

it's one thing i notice i have as a trait from him and my dad, that people like him. but he's so ill now who knows what someone would do... i just don't know. is this a risk we're supposed to take? would i want the same done for me if i was in that situation....

something that's been said, that really.. tears me up. is that, now that i have my life together, and my dad does as well, that he feels he can let go, and just move on. if that's what happening, i'm not sure if i should feel happy that he's made his peace, or if i should feel this pain because i'm being selfish and not wanting to lose him.

i'm sick of losing people. i suck at handling it. even though it is inevitable in this case, he's 89 years old, he's lived a really long and really difficult life. i can only hope to be like that...

it's so difficult i can't even talk about this to anyone cause i don't want to break down crying. even typing this i'm bawling.... blah, i just want him to be taken care of and be able to go in peace and not mistreated. he deserves the best...

5 comments|post comment

stoled from jamie [30 May 2007|07:32pm]
been a long time since i posted one of these, once again.
humor me peoples!
the funnier the responses, the better. <3
i'm bummed today, so show some love.

1. Your Name:

2. Age:

3. Favorite Color:

4. Whats your sign?

5.Phone Number:

6. Location:

7. Height:

8.Hair (color and style):

9. Piercings/tattoos:

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Are we friends?

2. Do you have a crush on me?

3. Would you kiss me?

4. ...with tongue?

5. Would you enjoy it?

6. Would you ever ask me out?

7. Would you make a move on me in a movie theater?

9. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

10. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before?

11.Would you walk on the beach with me?

12. If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend me?

13. Do you/have you talked about me?

14. Do you think I'm a good person?

15. Would u take a nap with me?

16.Do you think I'm cute?

17. If you could change anything about me -would you?

18.Would you dance with me?

19.Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

What Do You Think Of My?





Would you...
Give me your number?

Kiss me?

Let me kiss you?

Watch a movie with me?

Take me out to dinner?

Drive me somewhere?

Hug me?

Buy me food?

Take me home to meet your family?

Would you let me sleep in your bed if i didn't have one?

Sing car karaoke w/ me?

Sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?

Re-post this for me to answer your questions?

Give me a piggyback ride?

Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?

Do you...
Think I'm cute?

Want to kiss me?

Want to cuddle with me?

Am I...

Odd but fun?




Interesting to talk to?

Have you ever...

Thought about me?

Thought there might be an "Us"?

Thought about hookin up with me?

Found yourself wanting to kiss me?

Wished i were there?
13 comments|post comment

the fall of ebm... [03 Apr 2007|03:18pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

ok so.. yesterday, i recieved in the mail the new albums from....
VNV Nation, and Wumpscut.

Now.... i haven't purchased a wumpscut cd since wreath of barbs because i really just haven't felt like, any of it appealed to me. But i have been buying all of VNV's releases, even Matter+Form which i thought was a joke after Futureperfect. So after really listening to "Judgement" of VNV.... i noticed.... lyrically, all of the songs, are gay. Gay gay gay gay, gay. They're all about emo shit, and not the cool alright emo that VNV once had, such as Standing.

So curiously i look through the credits and i see only one musician given credit, and it's Ronan. WTF i thought VNV was a duet not solo? is this what it's come to? Ronan is so arrogant that he just does what he thinks is great? cause if people are really feeding his ego over this garbage then he really has sold out to the poor pathetic trash that infests our malls. No industrial elitist i know would dare approve of this shit over.... empires, praise the fallen, etc. I knew... this was innevitable with.

You know, i kept my mouth shut with APB turned into a bunch of rockstar emo fags themselves. Stephan.... god, the first to fall, and disgrace the scene. Is it the money? could that be it? i mean really.. i don't quite comprehend it. If these guys can't honestly think of good music that's up to par to their older shit then just don't release something for some cash!

i honestly am more impressed with a wumpscut album than i am vnv. that blows my mind.

i'm not even sure if i want to go the show now, i may just do something else that weekend since i have the time off. save my money cause i'm sure the concert is going to be infested with hot topic kids and dirty ass posers who got into VNV from AFI.

what a disgrace, honestly, what a fucking disgrace.

i mentioned this to shannon earlier and i'll share it with everyone else....

"matter+form was the fall of the ebm leaders, i swear, ronan and stephan need to go off on an island and have gay sex until they die without being able to spawn babies to further disappoint the world with."

thus ends my ranting.

6 comments|post comment

VNV + And One, in St. Pete April 6th [20 Mar 2007|10:39am]
ok so the show is the first weekend of april.
who's going with me?
i could really care less to see VNV at this point after matter+form, but i'm sure the show is going to be packed with posers.
i'm really psyched about And One though!
so yeah... if you want to go, or are going, let me know.

Tickets are ON SALE NOW ONLY through all TICKETMASTER outlets for $20 in advance.

and / or $22 - Day of Show

5 comments|post comment

Cruxshadows... ahhhhh...... [11 Mar 2007|12:34pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

last night the cruxshadows played in jax. with ego likeness and ayria.
i wasn't impressed with ego likeness really i kind of got distracted, went outside had some drinks and chilled...

but to backtrack some....
i thought i'd be going alone because originally 4 people were supposed to go with me, and i was going to meet 2 people at the show. all of the 4 people bailed on me and i ended up driving there by myself, sitting in the parking lot trying to psyche myself out cause i hate going some place alone. eventually i walk up to the doors, wait in like for like 10 minutes, get inside and immediately get a drink so i don't have to feel too uncomfortable. sam shows up like 30 minutes later, then billy and amy showed up later so i got to see them. awesome enough they got me a few drinks on their tab.

so after a while i finally go back inside, and watch the rest of ayria's lineup, which i was really impressed with it sounded great. they were really good on speeding up between acts which is something i can honestly say i'm not used to at all. i'm used to the like 30 minute long wait between bands cause roadies are like standing there with their thumbs up their asses.

so then i see rogue come in.... and i know it's about to start so i get psyched. i can't really recall a complete playlist to describe, but i do know they played a lot of good songs. of course all the classics that have to be played each show such as deception and the infamous dancing it involves in the crowd. during solus he walked across the club, grabbed a little table, and put it down infront of me, climbed up on it and sang right there for the entire song.

it was quite packed compaired to what i'm used to for cruxshadow shows. i remember my first show i saw them had like 20 people total, this had no room to move almost in the club. at one point rogue stopped to talk to us, telling us about how happy he was to be in a warm climate after being in europe for the winter. telling us stories of some of their bad luck there and how it is there which i found really cool. some younger people, who obviously are new to them, didn't like it and ended up leaving, good riddance i felt. he spoke for a good 20 minutes.

after the story, he brought this girl on stage and made everyone sing her happy birthday, it was really sweet. one of the main reasons i love this band..... who else would do that, honestly?

then back to the music, which was good, then the encores.....ahh the encores, of course the final song, was marilyn my bitterness. which i knew it would be, and i knew it would tear me up cause it's my moms favorite song. i was crying enough as it was through the whole show thinking of her, and how much she'd of enjoyed it.

i didn't really dance much the whole show cause not much room, but before they started the song.... rogue was saying how much he'd enjoyed touring with ego likeness and ayria, and had all their members come on stage and play marilyn with them, which i thought was amazing. and as soon as it started, i felt sam grab my arm, and was like YOU'RE DANCING FOR THIS! and dragged me to some place he'd cleared room for, and i just sort of.. zoned out after that. was really amazing... heh. that's all i can say.

after the show, i got up on stage, and talked to rogue. i told him about my mom passing.... and he told me he was so sorry to hear that, and gave me one of his famous big bear hugs. during which billy seemed to of got a few pictures that i'll post when i get them.

i really.... really needed that. aaaaahhhhhh..... the cruxshadows.... :]

1 comment|post comment

dreads [15 Feb 2007|04:36pm]
so yeah went to chelle's this week, and got my hair put into dreads, here's a few pictures, none look amazingly in detail or color but yeah, i'll take better ones in due time.

click meCollapse )
5 comments|post comment

The Fuck? [31 Jan 2007|11:18pm]
I honestly think, that I am destined to live my life alone, never have a family, kids, or the life I've always wanted.

Women... never fails. Ever.
8 comments|post comment

things. [27 Jan 2007|08:27am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

I'm becoming more and more unhappy with my life, and the way things are going all around me, daily.
Something needs to change in my life in order to fix this cloud of depression sinking in, yet again. Hopefully after income tax comes in, and I get that money, I'll get my ass into bartending school. Then maybe, just maybe, things will begin to look up some...

I miss my mother, I miss having someone I feel I can to talk to.

That is all.

6 comments|post comment

figures [09 Jan 2007|06:06am]

Friends and FamilyA+
Finance / CareerC
Your Life's Average Grade: B
'What is your Life Grade?' at

7 comments|post comment

it's been a whole year... [19 Dec 2006|10:48am]
yeah, one whole year.
without my mother... i don't know really how to feel about this. am i supposed to stay strong, and grow past all of this pain?

yesterday.. after work, i went by the grocery store to get some milk and pepto bismol [stomach was in pain, yay family traits], as i got off the phone with lindsey. my dad called me, asking me to pick up dinner from there, as well as seeing rose prices because you know, it'd be easier if i just picked them up myself. as i got to the roses, i was looking for 2 in particular. red and yellow long stem roses. especially the yellow, it was always the gift i gave my mom. my grandmother, used to have red and yellow rose bushes and i would get her to cut me off some, then take them to my mom cause she loved them.

well they didn't have any yellow, and just, thinking about how i had to have one to give to her today, made me start crying, in the middle of publix. no other flower would do.. i couldn't take it. i thought i had gotten past all of this but i guess not at all. i'm just a big of a mess as i was the day it happened.

i still, STILL, even at this moment. just wish i could get up, and walk nextdoor, and go sit with her and watch morning tv and talk about random things. fuck i even miss taking her to the doctors all the time, driving her to get medicine everyday just about.

i miss that when i felt like watching a movie, i would always ask to watch it with her. ordering movies on-demand.... heh.

she was so amazing... as a mother, and as my best friend. i haven't had anyone i could talk to like i could her since. it's so difficult.

i wish more than anything, she could of met lindsey. i think about that daily. the one thing my mom wanted so much was for me to grow up, be a man, have a family, and a cute little grand daughter she could babysit.... lol... and it tears me apart all the time that she never got that. it'll always tear me up that, when i finally do get married, and have kids, they'll never of known her.

one whole year. i miss her...
4 comments|post comment

seduction quiz thingy that everyone else is doing. [02 Dec 2006|11:19pm]

4 comments|post comment

Covenant Show Rescheduled. [04 Aug 2006|08:29am]
On Tuesday, September 26th 2006 (NEW DATE)

The Skyshaper US Tour 2006

with special guests


@ The State Theatre
687 Central Ave.
St Petersburg, FL 33701

Advance tickets ON SALE NOW for $17 through
all TICKETMASTER outlets (click to buy)

Doors 7pm

EDIT: holy shit i just noticed they replaced seabound with rottersand....
THAT SUCKS!!!!!!!!! i wanted to see seabound. :[
4 comments|post comment

[26 Jul 2006|06:50pm]
i'm now understanding, that i've fallen into a deep deep depression again.

only problem is, i really..... just don't have anyone i feel comfortable talking to... anymore..

post comment

Covenant, Seabound + Imperative Reaction LIVE [27 Jun 2006|12:14am]
On Saturday, September 9th 2006

The Skyshaper US Tour 2006

with special guests


@ The State Theatre
687 Central Ave.
St Petersburg, FL 33701

Advance tickets ON SALE NOW for $17 through
all TICKETMASTER outlets (click to buy)

Doors 7pm

The afterparty continues at
The Castle
2004 N 16th St
Tampa-Ybor City, FL 33605
Club Phone (813)247-7547
ages 18+

posting this as a personal reminder.
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polarity [24 Apr 2006|03:23pm]
i'm looking for someone who has the entire album....

Haujobb - Polarity

in mp3 format, pref. 192kbps

i'm having difficulties finding this particular album which is frustrating me.

HIT A NIGGUH UP. if you have this.

updating this....

i also could REALLY be happy if anyone has the new SNOG single, Crash Crash.
it's download only except the shit you have to use to download it is nothing i have and refuse to go through all the fuss of getting just for one single.

so.... yeah, someone has to have these? :\
3 comments|post comment

finally one of these "you know you're from" for my shitty town... [24 Jan 2006|07:08pm]
1. You must learn to say the city name correctly. It is referred to as "Jax".

2. You are either a Gator or a Nole. There are no other schools.

3. Forget the traffic rules you learned. No one pays attention to them here. Merging, yielding, and right-of-way are completely foreign terms.

4. To find anything in Jax it is required that you know where the Regency Mall is. It is the Alpha and the Omega; the beginning and the

5. Directions to anywhere may, and usually do, make a reference to "the old Pic and Save".

6. The morning rush hour is from 6am to 10am. The evening rush hour is from 3pm to 7pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

7. If you stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

8. East Rd. meets West Rd. on Beach Blvd, but they both run North and South.

9. Normandy Boulevard, State Road 228, Cecil Field Road, Maxville Road, and Post Street are all the same road.

10. Hartley Road, Shad Road, and Hood Road are all the same road. Hartley Road is the western part of the road, and Shad Road is the eastern part of the road. Now don't be confused about this Hood Road. This is the West-East part that is in between Hartley and Shad, not the North-South part that starts out as Old Kings Road South, changes into Hood Road South, and ends at Losco Road.

11. Construction is a permanent fixture in Jax. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving more exciting.

12. Watch for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, single shoes, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.

13. The minimum acceptable speed on JTB is 75 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Jacksonville's version of NASCAR.

14. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.

15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55 zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.

16. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.

17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

18. There are only two seasons: Summer and January.

19. There is a Westside high school that has a confederate flag as its school flag, an image of a slave plantation owner as its mascot, and Dixie as its school song. Just accept it.

20. Ponte Vedra is to Middleburg as oceanfront is to double-wide.

21. If you choose to live in Orange Park, or, God forbid, Middleburg, plan to leave for work at 4am and return home around 11pm. Otherwise you may get caught in what can only be described as "the world's longest left-turn lane".

22. Don't get here late and expect something to eat. After 9pm, your choices are Famous Amos and Village Inn.

23. You can buy a million-dollar condo downtown on the river, but you have to drive 10 miles for a loaf of bread, and never after dark.

24. The Landing is an interesting place. Every time you visit, there will be a whole new set of restaurants, fewer stores, and less parking. Hooters, however, is a permanent fixture.

25. All city council decisions must be signed off on by First Baptist Church.

26. You can't drink alcohol and see naked girls at the same time. But, if you agree to drink Diet Coke, you can see them fully nude.

27. North Philips highway. Don't go there. Unless you are looking for motels that charge by the hour.

28. Learn all of the lyrics to every Lynyrd Skynyrd song.

29. If you like southern-style barbecue, there's a restaurant on every corner. But they all close at 9pm.

30. Convenience stores are EVERYWHERE, unless you live in a million-dollar condo downtown
2 comments|post comment

Reminder: Mom's Memorial. [07 Jan 2006|09:16am]
just a last second reminder.. sorry i didn't post one yesterday, but...

any of you who can possibly make it, that means if you're physically inside jacksonville right now as you're reading this, i'd really appreciate you showing up. ESPECIALLY if you knew my mom. she wanted those she loved here for this and she loved each one of my friends more than you guys would ever know. she always talked about how she missed each one of you.

a lot of my friends spent time with my mom just hanging out and talking when i wasn't even home, when i'd be at work, or out doing something they'd "wait for me" but really i'm sure they were having a blast talking to my mom.

anyhow, it's at Noon, so your asses better be here. or i'll be really upset and disappointed. :(

if you somehow FORGOT the way to my house which is like the strangest thing ever. call my cell.

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R.I.P. Amy Lynn Buchanan Wright [July 23, 1958 - December 19, 2005] [20 Dec 2005|09:12am]
i never thought i'd be making one of these post.

yesterday while i was at work. sam (my neighbor) calls me and tells me to come home, at 4pm i had an hour left of work. i ask why, he told me..... just come home. i made him tell me.

he said my mom was just found dead... i dropped the phone and ran outside. my dad was still in the truss yard he hadn't left work yet. i stop him and before i can even tell him i start crying. we headed to the house as fast as possible. i couldn't believe this. honestly, right now, i still don't believe it.

as i'm typing this. it's officially 6 years to the date that i found my grandmother dead. now.. it's my own mother. i don't understand why...

but a little back story on to why i think this happened.

if anyone remembers, last year my mother had a car accident while visiting jim's uncle's wife. Toni. i never liked this woman, the uncle was always an asshole to me my entire life and now they're both pill heads. with my moms problems with prescription medication, i knew it was always a bad thing. they would give her stuff i knew my mom couldn't handle.

on around monday of last week, toni had some fit with her husband and tried to stab him or something. and asked to stay with my mom for a day or two. my mom being the nice person she is allows this. on thursday..... this woman took my mother to the womans doctor, not my moms. this doctor gives toni whatever she wants. my mom walks out with a prescription for Lorbtab 10's. 90 of them. my moms doctors would never give her this. ever.

i come home from work during lunch on friday, cause i thought i was having allergy problems so i came to get my allergy meds. when i got here there were cops over at my neighbors. and my mom was on the back of the uncle's truck. i could tell from the moment i pulled in my drive way. she was doped up. i knew it. i was more than 50 yards away, i knew it. i found the pills, there were 67 pills in the bottle, it wasn't even a full 24 hours since she'd recieved them. i still question wether or not she took the entire 23. i don't think she'd do that with painpills. the problem was that, Toni, went nuts during the morning and told my mom she was going to kill herself and took off, no one knew where she was. i confronted my mom about the pills, and being high. she gave me her usual stoned excuses... and i took it how i usually do, i got really upset. i yelled, i cried. i said mean things, cause... i don't know how to handle seeing her like that. so i take all the medicatio nand i call my dad. the cops find Toni later that day, somewhere away from here passed out in a bush. they take her to bakeract her. the last time i see my mom, is that night... at around 10pm... my grandfather's dog was barking so i go to see what it is. my mom is talking to someone in a car i couldn't tell. then i notice it's my neighbor's uncle. toni's husband.

me, being upset from my mother being doped up.... i didn't try to see her over the weekend...

it's eating me up inside. the last thing i said to my mom is how i hate that she has to do this...

i know, i shouldn't tear myself up over that. i know, she is no longer in pain. i know, she is with her mother who she's always missed. finally, she is with her mom, she is with my dads mom.... and she is with her dad. all the people she missed, she's with them now.

i wasn't ready for this. this wasn't supposed to happen yet. my mom never got to see me get marrried. or have kids of my own. these are things she always used to tease me about, that she wanted to see. is her baby grow up to be some fine young man. and now she doesn't get to see any of this! it's not fair.....

i know what my mom wanted to be done, when this did happen. she wanted to be cremated. and have her ashe's spread over the creek behind her grandfather's old place where she grew up. then for me to keep the urn, with me forever.

i can't believe i'm even typing all this, THIS ISN'T REAL!!!!!
this is not happening.
not my mom.

everyone that knew my mom, knew she was the sweetest person. she cared so much about everyone. all my friends, she loved them as if they were her own kids. i'm sure that i know i'm taking this hard, but i know everyone who knew her really well.... will be as affected as i am. i have to be strong through this. i will get passed this. something my mom used to always say is how proud she was of me. how strong i am, having dealt with all this mental stress of my entire life. and i still am so level headed. and handle situations so well. i was the strong one, when my grandmother passed.

this is the worst feeling i've ever felt in my entire life. but i have to be strong, it's what she'd of wanted. me to be there, for others.

i love you mom...

this is the best, and last picture. of my mom.
12 comments|post comment

am i trippin? [10 Nov 2005|07:09am]



so glad i got that new job, kekekekek.

mainly posting this so i remember the link when i want to get this and have the money.
5 comments|post comment

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